The Waiting Game

The Friday Blog is an eclectic mix of interesting ideas with no particular theme and is intended as a bit of fun.

Waiters (a cover all descriptor for anyone serving table at a restaurant). 

The concept that waiters should not be noticed takes away one of the best parts of any dining experience.  I have to confess at this point that I don’t have servants at home so my only chance I have of living the life of the super rich is when I visit a restaurant.  This means the waiter becomes Jeeves to my Wooster. Eating out becomes dining out.  I have a restaurant experience rather than a fuel stop. 

It is important to get into the mindset of a ‘Chap’ that has a servant at this point.  I have created a set of criteria upon which to judge staff.  You should of course decide on your own since you will naturally have different requirements to myself.  The following are merely for reference and should not be adopted as a national standard, with certification, an annual award ceremony, and opportunity to be nominated for a Hall of Fame.  That would not be appropriate.  This is highly personal since this is my waiter and not everyone else’s (at least when they are waiting my table). You may consider some of these criteria to be unnecessary or unfair in which case I refer you to my previous statement.

Score each criterion between 1 and 10

1. Degree of Frenchness ( 1 no Frenchness - 10 French)
2. Polished shoes (1 has never used polish – 10 shiny)
3. Waiterisms ( 1 mechanic  - 10 Array of flourishes)
4. Solomnier ( 1 Gushing –  10 Serious and Professional)
5. Sommelier ( 1 Struggles with a cork – 10 sniffs the cork once extracted from the bottle)  Placing the bottle between the knees and pulling the cork , with sound effects gets double points.
6. Eyebrow manipulation ( 1 no use of the eye brows – 10 uses the eye brows in communication)
7. Bowing ( 1 small head nods – 10 proper dipping down with arm flourish)
8. Acknowledgement ( 1 regards me as a commodity – 10 Treats me as a full VIP guest)
9. Address ( 1 grunts  - 10 Always calls me ‘Sir’)
10. Door ( 1 No exit strategy – 10 Opens the door to show me out)

The score is turned into a percentage and is used to determine the tip which must always be in cash and placed in the hand of my waiter as a sign of appreciation and respect.

The game can be adapted for use in other circumstances like with your gardener, groom or bus driver! Enjoy.